Greetings, everybody! Football is back and it’s WORSE than ever. Coming off an embarrassing Superfest wherein the tensions of a nation boiled over a Papajohn’s owner beating a crybaby punk, everyone washed their hands of the bullshit and decided to start over by kicking Tim Tebow out of the clubhouse and into the Mets farm system. This has already made this the worst season in recent memory, because without the spiritual guidance of Tebow making light our troubles on the road to heaven, how will we walk through the cold light of each Sunday gameday morning!? I’m hoping Tom Brady–a man who did literally nothing wrong–returns from the crypt soon and forces Roger Goodell to put his hands in his wounds, to show him he is more than a man; HE’S A PATRIOT who loves this game, this country, and his 4 rings.
Let’s get to the choice cuts and takeaways:
BRONCOS v. PANTHERS: Cam Newton continues to be punished simply for existing in what was a slaughter show of a game. I think I counted 90 hits to his cranium all night and there wasn’t a single flag for it.
Shit, when Carson Palmer took bad hits to his back (weakened by years of hunching over his Game Boy), you were sure to see penalties. No such luck for Cam Newton, who continues to be Public Enemy No. 1 due to such crimes as Celebrating, Dancing, and Smiling. Luckily, there are plenty more games for the Unstoppable War Machine, the Most Honorable Of Hosts, the NFL Law to eventually humble this horrid villain. Hot takes aside, if you drafted CJ Anderson on a drunken bet, congrats: you just purchased an 8-ball that always says “fuck yeah” at every offensive drive in the Broncos game plan.
SAINTS V. RAIDERS: Only in 2016 can Drew Brees throw for almost 500 yards and still lose, but I can’t ignore the heroic actions of the Raider coach Jack Del Rio. In an epoch inhabited by babymen who tip-toe their way to victory, Del Rio decided to eschew the 1-point conversion and go for broke. The gambit worked, and the Raiders somehow beat the ridiculous Saints shootout when all was said and done. Look for Del Rio to make even more gutsy decisions as the season wanes onward, such as deploying a quarterback comprised solely of bees, or using a grizzly bear as a cornerback.
BROWNS V. EAGLES: The Browns suck so much that they bought the contract of Robert Griffin III and he still found a way to die on the field. ENTER JOSH MCCOWN.
Words cannot describe how much this fucking owns. Josh McCown, of the honored McCown family (his brother Luke is famous for buying a small yacht and sinking it in the Hudson River) is set to take the reigns of the Cleveland franchise, and it’s hilarious that he’s legit the best QB they’ve had in 3 years. I’m excited as fuck for McCown to bring his patented journeyman skills to what has amounted to a landfill being set on fire in the middle of a desert currently being speculated for the location of a Quizno’s.
GIANTS V. COWBOYS: The Cowboys suck shit and I’m glad that all their players are dead. Simultaneously, I’m glad Eli has a full battery of WRs to throw to, setting the stage for his return to the playoffs. Much like Link in the award winning Zelda erotic novels for the SNES, Eli only ever rises when the world is threatened by 1000 years of darkness, or Tom Brady. I can only hope Eli has one last spoiler left in him because the only thing better than Tom Brady crushing dreams is when his own dreams are consistently crushed by a well-meaning yokel.
49er’s V. RAMS: This was precisely the win that the Illuminati needed from known political crime boss and possible presidential candidate, Colin “Citizen Four” Kaepernick. Honestly, the 49er’s are the worst team since ALF and Garfield tried out for pro tennis, and that’s saying a lot, especially since their tenure ended in triple murder and life imprisonment. Somehow, the Rams are fucking WORSE; their move from the shitville of St. Louis obviously didn’t help for SOME REASON. I mean, Jesus, I wouldn’t even take a shit in Missouri unless it helped fertilize a tree that would eventually grow big enough to fall over and kill everyone–and that’s saying a lot, considering my girlfriend comes from there.
DREW BREES: Drew Brees is a golden god. Drafting him in both 2011 and 2015 in a longer-standing league, I won the championship twice–coincedence!? I THINK NOT. Now I have him in BOTH leagues, guaranteeing that he will spread his glory and sainthood over all you fucking dirty plebians.
I spent most of last week shitting on this pickup, loudly proclaiming that Peng’s lawyer had made a choice gaffe by scooping up the Chargers rookie. As usual, the universe of chaos and karma saw fit to shit on my face, and Gordon collected 2 touchdowns. Congratulations, Melvin Gordon, you son of a bitch. I look forward to being sued for litigation by Peng’s lawyer.
AJ GREEN: I have it on good authority that AJ Green is a reptoid, and therefore ought to be banned from the NFL. This league is for humans, so go back to Jupiter, you scaly fucking freakshow.
I gotta be honest, I thought Dion Lewis would be a shoe-in for the incumbent injury Golden Calf award week 1. Keenan Allen, however, died on the field recently and shattered his knee in a jillion pieces, and given the fact that his death was a gametime event, I’m gonna have to default to Keenan. This bodes well for Danny “Bluntmaster” Woodhead, who will probably haul in 150 TDs by year’s end.
Future recipients I’m looking forward to seeing this year? Dez Bryant, Sammy Watkins, Frank Gore (finally), and (hopefully) Andrew Luck.
Stan “the Sultan” was busy this week, so in his stead, here to take over the regular “Stan and Deliver column is his security counterpart, Alvo. Please enjoy this week’s entry of “Alvobet City.”
SB: what do you think about that football game
Alvo: what brutus
SB: et tu, brute
Alvo: As the great lee russell would say: I dont givvafuk about athletics
SB: stan is out so you need to fill in for this weekends column. give me your opinion of the concussion protocol. should football mens get hit harder, possibly, for our fun and enjoyment
Alvo: Feel those G’s. Maximum G’s.
SB: g-force for max effort
SB: what would it take for you to watch football on a weekly basis
Alvo: When chipotle serves hippopotamus meat as an available protein and the guac does not cost extra, but the utensils
SB: what if peyton got papajohns to serve horse meat as a pizza topping
Alvo: Live long mid evil times. i think IKEA has that covered…
SB: what, in your opinion, is the worst thing about football
Alvo: pork. its a pigskin
SB: football can never be kosher
Alvo: and not an alternative skin, such as fore
SB: people have the stupidstition that a photograph holds souls. what if fantasy football also did the same, for football mens
Alvo: yeah l’chaim the cocktail veenies.
SB: for every drafted player you own, they have a piece of soul extricated
Alvo: no pictures please
SB: tom brady is just a husk without a soul at this point. maybe if we got to church we can pray his soul back
Alvo: Well, IMHO Brady rhymes with Hades and husk with tusk. Tusks are elongated, continuously growing front teeth, usually but not always in pairs, that protrude well beyond the mouth of certain mammal species. They are most commonly canines, as with warthogs, pig, and walruses, or, in the case of elephants, elongated incisors. and there you go, were back at the pig
SB: you’re saying we need to kill tom brady with an elephant rifle: checks out. NFL: A Machine For Pigs
Alvo: Need For Lard
SB: treat running backs as wild game for sport. my picks for offensive coordinator of the year: stephen hawking. katie couric. and dom delouise
Alvo: Just escape and join the loaners in the woods. mutilation as punishment
SB: the worst animal The Lobster talked about? tight end
Alvo: user role considerations
SB: reporters need to wear full body condoms when interviewing football players or coaches, so they dont catch The Grim Stupid
Alvo: featuring the estevez family
SB: emilio estevez!?
Alvo: Thats hawking’s handler. The sheen machines take turns rotating the others
SB: I had no idea emilio estevez was his handler…jesus they fell on tough times. charlie sheen gets stoned and makes millions. emilio makes Repo Man and has to play Meals on Wheels
Alvo:no soup for you
SB: emilio is the soup nazi too….god damn. bet he’s also joseph kony too
SB: SOPA KONY 2016: Estevez/Harambe for the ticket
Alvo: I suppose. they dont know how to use twitter or email
That’s all for this week. Join me next week as I grit my teeth about how Mark Ingram is too busy playing with his fucking iPhone 7 to catch any Breestacular throws.